Like a cabin full of men, this episode is meaty!

- Steve is out, but some emails may explain where he is.
- A woman in the UK was found dead, and not in a good way…
- Gretchen can tell if someone has given oral by looking in their oral cavity.
- A man shot holes in his house (and his wife) while trying to hang a satellite.
- Dave almost put a bunch of nails through a man, and Tracy had to pull one out of his boss.
- We play a bit of the Auto-tune “Double Rainbow” song.
- Gretchen had someone take a dump outside of her apartment building.
- Mel Gibson’s rant reminds Dave of a message Steve left for another show.
- We talk Colton Harris-Moore, and for the most part, we’re on his side.
- We reveal the secret word you can use to get $30 in iTunes store credit.
- We finish the show by getting to the bottom of Steve’s absence, and you won’t believe where he was all weekend.

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The Dave and Steve Show – Episode #125 – Guy’s Retreat

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As if April wasn’t a big enough month for guests on The Dave and Steve Show, May promises to blow the socks right clean off of it!

We’ve also got a few other surprises we’re cooking up, so stay tuned!

While you’re at it, send a friend this guest list or post it to Facebook and Twitter, and let them know that your favorite podcast in the land continues to deliver on the goods!

Argar Largar!

Dear Apple iTunes Store,

We really don’t know why you treat us the way you do. Haven’t we been a good podcast to you? Haven’t we done everything you’ve told us to do? Yet you treat us with a lack of respect, and show no real emotion towards us at all.

Ahem…

iTunes Store, you are one of the most broken systems in the realm of technology, especially considering that you could potentially be so awesome as a vehicle to drive new content to listeners’ ears. We here at The Dave and Steve Show have been recording two shows a week for over two years, and during that time we hope you agree that our quality level has increased by leaps and bounds. Yet we remain at the mercy of your fickle and seemingly lazy system.

Sound like sour grapes? Think we’re being d*cks? Let’s break a couple of things down:

Listeners also subscribed to…
iTunes Store, you have what should be a great feature that allows users to get turned on to “new” and “fresh” content by a recommendation system under each podcast that suggests other shows one might like. On our page, we have the following podcasts linked from us. I’ve also included the date of the most recent show they’ve uploaded to your service, just for the hell of it:

- Shouting Grounds – 07/24/08
- Finite Comedy – 03/17/10
- The Afternoon Idiots – 10/26/08
- Tiny Podcast – No Episodes
- Umgotts Destroy – 03/27/07
- I Absolutely Love: – 02/28/08
- Seth and Colby Show – 01/11/09
- Radio Free Marist – 04/14/10
- R-I-O-T Free-For-All – 01/18/08
- An Entertaining Grime – 07/31/08

So let’s take a look back at this list, shall we? Of the 10 podcasts that are suggested from our page on iTunes, 1 ended in 2007, 5 ended in 2008, 1 ended in 2009, two are still current, and one of the podcasts doesn’t have any episodes at all. The best part? We’re also featured on all of their pages except for two. Which two you ask? You guessed it. The two that are still current.

Thanks iTunes Store.

Just search for us by name!
Well big deal, right? Maybe we wouldn’t get much traffic off them at all anyway. So let’s just do a simple search in iTunes for our show and find out what happens. Since the name of the show is “The Dave and Steve Show,” we’ll start first with just “Dave Steve” since people won’t always remember the full name of the show. Here is the list of the first 10 shows that come up when we search for “Dave Steve”:

- Tell ‘Em Steve-Dave – Bryan Johnson and Walter Flanagan
- Dave Dill’s Basement Tracks – Dave Dill
- House Music – Taku Nakahara
- The Sound of Trance – Johnny Monsoon
- Daily Live Worship – Bryan Clift
- Push the Night – Brad Miller
- Around Comics – Around Comics
- The Traneumentary – John Coltrane
- Masahi Osaku – Masahi Osaku
- The Classic Metal Show – The Classic Metal Show

In other words, we’re not even in the first 10 results when searching for our names, despite only two of those first 10 having “Dave” or “Steve” anywhere in their title or author names. No, we fall to 11th on that list, but just in front of “Priests of Praise,” which will probably overtake us while I’m typing this.

So let’s refine our search and actually search for “Dave Steve Show.” Now we’re getting somewhere! Only 4 shows fall in front of us now:

- The Classic Metal Show – The Classic Metal Show
- Daily Live Worship – Bryan Clift
- Push the Night – Brad Miller
- Around Comics – Around Comics

At least “The Classic Metal Show” contains the word “Show.” The others? Not so much…

Finally let’s do a spot-on search for the entire “The Dave and Steve Show” title. Doing this puts us to 2nd, behind said “Classic Metal Show,” but shouldn’t we fall before that one since, A) It only has one of the words from our search and B) it stopped broadcasting in 12/09?

Thanks again, iTunes Store.

So despite a large list of guests, an extremely consistent recording schedule, high production values, and original content, we can’t seem to get you to feature us. On top of this, you’ve set us up with dead referrals, and your search system is completely busted. Yet you remain our biggest source of connection with not only listeners but also fellow podcasters, so we are in an abusive relationship that we don’t (or maybe can’t) leave.

iTunes Store, I can’t feel as though we’re alone on this. In fact, I think we’re probably in the majority, rather than the minority here. Would it be possible to maybe have a section for the big names like Ricky Gervais, Mark Maron, Adam Carolla, and Chris Hardwick, and maybe a separate area for the independent dorks like us? Some way to give us a fighting chance to actually be heard from?

Whatever the case, we want you to know that your neglect is in fact killing us. We and so many like us are struggling just to get a hand up through all of the corpses in your store to let you know that we’re here and we’re very much alive.

Please fix your broken system.

Sincerely,
Dave
The Dave and Steve Show

We’d love to hear from fellow podcasters with a similar experience. Leave us a comment on this story, or drop us a line at dasshow@gmail.com and tell us your experience!

Ohhh, people. This show is so sad. It’s hard for me to be cavalier about their struggle. I’m up to the challenge, though, because I am old and bitter. Also, a little tipsy. Surprise!

So, a million rehashcakes later (this show really wants to make sure you know what happened, what is happening, and what is going to happen later), Jenn is losing her mind over messy, entitled celebrity addicts. Welcome to the show, Jenn! Glad you could make it! Tom proves her point by dropping chips all over the kitchen floor and scooting them into the baseboard rather than picking them up. Oh, Tom.

Morning meditation is where Jenn mostly lectures and housemates look bored. Perhaps they need their juice. Tom yawns. Oh, Tom.

Afterwards, Heidi and Mike discuss Jenn’s house-manager skills. It goes like this:

Heidi: She’s just not emotionally equipped for the job.
Mike: F*** c*** b****.
Heidi (rictus-like smile): Hehe. Yeah. Heh. C***.

Mike is a bad influence. That’s right, I said it. Someone is a bad influence on Heidi Fleiss, busted hooker.
Every commercial break is Dr. Drew talking to Jenn about “grounds for termination”. Luckily, we know that she doesn’t actually work for Dr. Drew, but for the producers of the show. *whew!*

Dennis Rodman goes to court blah blah community service obligation blah blah *snooooore* Dr. Drew is not impressed with Rodman’s court appearance and wants to talk to him about it and Show Him The Footage. I am not impressed with Dr. Drew’s suit. Show us the guns, Drew! Where’s the tight black t-shirt we love so much? Feh. I’m not recapping this part. Rodman is boring.

Commercial break! Same teaser footage from before. You think they are trying to get us excited about something? It’s working! They are FORESHADOWING OUR FACES OFF!

Here it is *rubs hands together*, the Mike and Jenn throw-down that makes Dr. Drew pull a sad face in every commercial break lead. Oh. That’s it? Hm. I have had more exciting fights with my twelve year old. And we are more inventive in our cursing. Basic gist: Jenn wants Mike to clean his room. Mike thinks Jenn should look at her face. Jenn is threatened by Mike’s clumsy attempt at a jokey hug. Jenn says he must leave and never come back! Mike leaves to go get coffee. Yeah, sounds like our arguments at home. Please feel free to speculate which is me and which is my kid.

So, more foreshadowing on the commercial break lead-in. Look, I know that reality teevee producers, like newspaper editors, need to operate at a 3rd grade level of comprehension, but this heavy-handed hashcakes is too much.

Jenn calls Dr. Drew and gives him the run-down. He sends Will Smith (YAY!) to go “track him down”. Will Smith (YAY!) gets into his awesome silver Mustang and does just that. Because he is kick-ass.
Mike is indeed having coffee, so that is cool, and he and Will Smith (YAY!) (yeah, I’m going to do that every time) have a talk, and Mike admits some responsibility in the incident. Will Smith (YAY!) drops some kick-ass wisdom on Mike, that you have to let the other person be right sometimes, and that “your ego is not your amigo”. Yup. I kinda like it.

Later, everyone is in Process Group. It’s a thing where everyone talks to Dr. Drew and complains about shit. I mean, problems are worked out. Here’s a surprise: Tom is lucid. Oh, Tom.

Another commercial break happens, and I decide to refill my drink at this time, since I already know about the foreshadowing.

Whatever, Dr. Drew shows Jenn the Tapes. It’s a thing that reality show participants count on in order to validate their arguments. If you have ever watched Big Brother, you have heard this phrase: “Look at the tapes! I never pooped on your toothbrush! Look at the tapes!” We’ll be following that show this summer, aren’t you lucky? It’s MUCH more dysfunctional than this program, and this summer, it will be a CELEBRITY Big Brother! Say what!?! That’s right, suckas! **does the cabbage patch in the living room**

Oh, back to The Tapes. We get to see Jenn yelling at Mike and following him all around the house. This is incredibly meta, and I don’t think I can handle it. Watching tapes of the show, ON the show?? **Gulps the whisky sour to steady nerves** Dr. Drew can’t handle it either, and murmurs “Oh no” and “I’m scared for you right there” in his husky doctor voice. **Gulps** Whatever. Jenn is defensive, Drew takes her down a peg (“I don’t expect you to act professionally, you are an addict like they are, not a rehab tech.”) and offers to send Loesha (a psych tech from Pasadena Recovery Center) to live in the house and be Jenn’s back up. Jenn says, “Won’t that make me look like a weakling?” Oh, Jenn.

Summary of last part of show (I’m tired of this whole thing): Loesha comes to stay at the house. Loesha is a bad-ass without being negative, and can compartmentalize her emotions. Without booze!

Next week: Sizemore’s in court! (Oh, Tom) Jenn’s in therapy! A visitor comes to the house high!

Tracy likes to put a groove down the middle as well…

On a related note, we have lots of mugs and other cool things in our store, so make sure you check it out!

Thinking of doing drugs? Watch this show and imprint Mike Starr’s crazy zombie face on your brain. Ferreal. He’s STILL dope sick. And aggressive. And crankypants.

Jen Gimenez (House Manager, beloved by me) wants to throw Mike out of Sober House because he is threatening the camera operators by backing them into corners. Mike calls Jen a “Drama queen” and says he never touched them. So, lots of beeping beepity beeps later, Will Smith (YAY!), not THAT Will Smith but the resident tech, takes Mike to his own house for the evening to even out the house ‘vibes’. Yeah, I don’t get it either. But we get to see Will Smith’s sweet silver Mustang. Right on, Will! Livin’ the dream!

Heidi and Tom drama is recapped through clips. This is foreshadowing. *snoooooore* We ALL saw the previews. This show is made for people with bad short-term memory retention, because they rehashcakes everything to death. WE GET IT.

Bob Forrest (Drug counselor and kick-ass vocalist for Thelonius Monster), decides to re-introduce Kari Ann Peniche (boo!) to the Sober House and ask the residents to give her one more chance. Are you freaking *kidding* me with this, Bob Forrest?

He walks her into the house (she is crying and shaking, doing a full-on “pity me” act) and the first thing she says on walking into the empty living room is “I need some juice.” Way to be consistent, tiny meth-head. Play to your strengths.

Bob presents Kari Ann’s case to the assembled residents. Heidi, dear old addled Heidi, asks her, “Why do you want to put yourself where you’re not wanted?” Bless you, you ancient hooker.

Tom, the dolt, stands up for Kari Ann and incurs the Wrath of the Aged Whore!

Kari Ann leaves, and Dr. Drew’s voiceover is naturally, sad. He really believed in her recovery, provided she enter sober living. Oh if we could only harness the energy of his stupid faith in humanity, we wouldn’t need to burn all that coal to convert corn into fossil-free fuel, we’d be driving cars powered by ex-con butterflies and opium-addict unicorns!

Tom, after a disastrous couples-counseling with Dr. Drew and Heidi (yeah, weird) decides that he is going to leave Sober House. Bye Tom! No, really, he means it this time!

Tonight is the first night the residents are out of “lock-down” and can leave the house. Awwwwww hell. They do have a midnight curfew, though. Remember: Dennis Rodman does NOT like rules!

I’m really pulling for Seth “Shifty“ Binzer. Even though he pierced his cheek and it looks like a metal zit. He has decided to stay at Sober House with Jen and Kendra Jade instead of going out. But duuuuude, Mike Starr and Jenny Ketcham go to meet Dennis at a night club. D’oh!

Clearly, a night club is not the place for recovering addicts to spend their first night out of lock-down. Evil Jaegermeister girls with shot glasses tempt Dennis with shots. One even had a German accent, as if to trip every stereotype in the Dictionary of Evil Archetypes. “Denneeees, I am going to see how strong you are! I am going to tempt your villpower!” Bitch. Dennis looks very old in club lighting. Sadder? Mike Starr introducing himself to bar patron after bar patron as “Mike Starr, bass player for Alice in Chains.” Aw, honey, that’s just sad. And not true.

Of course they break curfew, because that’s a better dramatic arc. I’m not accusing production of influencing the outcome, but I’m accusing production of influencing the outcome. When Dennis, Jenny and Mike roll in, they are all subject to a breathalyzer test and *dundunDUN* Consequences.

They all pass the breathalyzer, but there are Consequences to dole out, and you KNOW Dennis will not be down with that. Sure enough, Jen asks for (and gets) everybody’s cell phone, except for Dennis. And I mean everybody, even the people who stayed home, as they are a team blah blah *snooooooore*. Sorry, but I’ve heard this team-building mass punishment thing before, I get it.

The curfew-breakers have to write 150 words about how their disease is causing them to act blah blah *snoooooore*. Mike Starr is not going to do it, until Will Smith (YAY!) tells a moving story. Mike Starr agrees to complete the assignment. Mike respects Will. Yay! No one respects Jen. Boo! Sober House leaves us with Dennis agreeing to give Jen his phone and *snoooooore* etc.

THE END!

Go grab a bottle of wine and get ready for some cheese!

Just remember that “cheese” does not always equal “bad.” In fact, between the 5 cast members of this show, we probably own every one of these films on DVD.

Jen has been running around the offices here at The Dave and Steve Show, blabbering on about some funny chap by the name of Paul Goebel. It turns out Paul was even nice enough to mention us on his fine program, “The Paul Goebel Show.”

Paul is a stand-up comedian, has appeared on shows such as “The Late Show with Tom Snyder,” and “Beat the Geeks,” and knows more television trivia than just about anyone on the planet. It’s easy to see why he calls himself, “The King of TV.”

We’ve since listened to said show, and we think it’s better than the knees on a bee! So get out there and have a listen to it, and tell him The Dave and Steve Show sent you. Then Paul will act all confused like he doesn’t know who we are, and then he’ll probably block your email address. It’s all part of his act.

On the other hand, if you’ve stumbled upon our site after hearing Paul’s mention on his show, we welcome you with open arms! We may not have the TV knowledge that Mr. Goebel does, but we try to keep up on current events and create a show that’s lively and fun. Have a listen to any of our episodes, and let us know what you think!

A big thank you to Paul Goebel and his crew, and we’re going to do our best to see if we can get him on for an interview very soon.

Paul’s official website can be found by clicking right here, and his show can be listened to at Handheld Comedy.

So he’s rumored to have “dated” Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, and countless other beautiful women, and now we know why. How could you turn down this face?

Oh but ladies, for those of you who didn’t faint, there is an ENTIRE gallery of John’s amazing faces that he makes while playing guitar such as the one above. Just hit the link below and be prepared to swoon!

Gallery of amazing faces made by John Mayer while playing guitar.

If you’ve never watched the awesome show, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” then you haven’t lived. Here is star Kaitlin Olson forgetting her lines after Danny Devito emerges from a couch naked.

We here at The Dave and Steve Show can’t recommend “Sunny” enough to those of have yet to check it out. And not just because of the naked Danny DeVito thing.

Actually… TOTALLY because of the naked Danny DeVito thing.

On your mark, get set, FAIL!

The sad thing is that he actually runs better than Dave.

In the spirit of this week’s Comic Con Convention in San Diego, CA we bring you this…

If you’re a Star Wars fan it’s quite possible that this will give you nightmares for weeks to come.
And if you’re not a Star Wars fan, it’s quite possible that this will give you nightmares for weeks to come.

If Jar Jar Binks ever deserved to be in a Star Wars sequence, it’s this one.

Oh folks, you aren’t going to want to miss this one. Both Dave and Steve are out due to various reasons, which may be explained on the show, so Tracy and J are in charge!

We have no idea what to expect from these two, but you can tune in Tuesday morning to find out for yourself. We can almost guarantee that the number of penis and mom jokes will skyrocket, so be prepared!

That’s right folks, Tracy is just a puppet voiced by Steve.

The real reason Tracy wasn’t on last week was that Steve couldn’t find the puppet in time, and refused to do the Tracy voice without it.

Tune in next week when we’ll reveal J’s puppet which you can also roll and smoke!

We here at The Dave and Steve Show are all big fans of the band, Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers. So when we stumble across a video containing a live performance of their song “Hello New Day” as well as a video of their bus driver eating asphalt while doing 25mph on a skateboard, it just has to be posted.

If you get a chance to see the Peacemakers live, you most certainly should. For tour dates and song samples, hit their Myspace below.

Peacemakers Myspace Page

Dave has a very special message he’d like you all to listen to, so just click the fancy play button and have a listen!

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It only takes a second to help us out, and we’d sure appreciate it!

And a huge “THANK YOU!” goes out to all of the fine members of The Pile who continue to support the show day in and day out. The Dave and Steve Show is growing, and with your help we can continue that growth. The guys work very hard every week to improve the quality of the show, because we want to deliver the very best content we can. We’ll continue to do so, if you continue to turn new people on to our fine little program.

All the best!